The New Prez

Gore or Bush? Who cares? Something occurred to me though. Since the whole of United States of America is in a mess, wouldn't it be a right time to invade them. Wasn't that the similar scenario of quest for power that led to colonialisation in our country? I dreamed up the following scene.

INTERIOR. BILL CLINTONS BEDROOM. I (R) WALK IN AND FIND HIM PACKING UP.

R: Hi there BILL, packing up?

BILL: Nah, I'm just building a rocket. Of course, I'm packing up.

R: Thought so. Hey BILL, now that your country is in a mess, how about giving it up. To us, I mean.

BILL: You crazy Buddy? It's like asking a me to stop womanising. You must be joking (SLIDS A PACKET OF CONDOM INTO HIS POCKET)

R: No BILL. Its not that bad. Giving up lying is worse.

BILL: (WINCES) Ugh! Don't say that, man.

R: All you got to do is sign this piece of paper.

BILL: You know how much my signature is worth, buddy?

R: When?

BILL: Look buddy. I'm leaving and that ain't gonna stop me from loving my country. This country stays where it is.

R: Nobodys asking you to move it, BILL. The ownership changes, that's all.

BILL: It will mean the whole world belongs to you.

R: Don't Brag! (PAUSE) Actually, you might be right. Malaysia might rule the world, now that we own you. But you still be the president. Collect your paycheque every month.

BILL: Good joke. I'm laughin' my ass off here. (PAUSE) How much?

R: As much as we pay our Prime Minister

BILL: Ugh! Thats chicken shit man! Who'd pay the bills, then?

R: We'd take care of that, except for the hanky panky stuffs of course. We can't cover up for some of the stuff you do, BILL. Yuck!

BILL: (SHOUTS) I'M NOT BUYING IT!

R: Look_

BILL WALKS TO THE WINDOW AND SHOUTS TO AN ICE CREAM VENDOR.

BILL: I told you I'm not buyin' it. What? How much does he owe you? I'm not paying for it.(WALKS BACK) I'll wring Al's neck. (TO ME) Where were we?

R: BILL, youre nobody now.

BILL: I'm still the president, joe-boy.

R: Oh yeah? Try asking your aides to play fetch. We'd love see how they react to your orders!

BILL: They are important people. They don't play fetch. They take and execute orders.

R: Big difference! Look BILL, all you have is your family and a goddamn cat. What's its name? Sacks? Sex?

BILL: Socks!

R: Whatever! Look around. Everybody wants their hand in the pie.

BILL: Did I hear pie? (PATS HIS STOMACH)

R: And the pie is full. You are at the losing end. There's Bush in one corner and your dumb ass Vice President in another.

BILL: You're going overboard buddy. He's not an ass.

R: Right. Your dumb vice-president. He doesn't care for you. What are you going to do after this? Become a preacher?

BILL: I wanna teach.

R: Hell of a difference. The people are torn, BILL. The country is getting ugly. As ugly as your nose.

BILL: Hey, this is getting personal.

R: It's a run down joke, BILL.

BILL: What, my nose?

R: Your so-called democracy. It's a joke among the third world.

BILL: Whassat? Third World? Is it something like a third dimension? An Alternative world?

R: Gad! You've been a president too long. Here's the deal. Give up the country to us and well make you a lifetime president.

BILL: Lifetime (SUCKS HIS THUMB). What about my wife? She'll be running New York, right?

R: There's a problem to that. She'll have to go.

BILL: But she's good. She's smart.

R: Thats why she goes, BILL. We wouldn't want a smart politician, don't we? Ha! Ha!

BILL: Ha! Ha! Then, why do I get to stay?

SILENCE

R: What say you, old buddy? Who else but Malaysians as the role models for Americans. Look at our so many races.

BILL: Yeah, I caught the Formula 1.

R: (IMPATIENTLY) BILL, we're talking about the Malays, Chinese, Indians and others. We co-exist peacefully.

BILL: (PAUSES FOR A MOMENT, THINKING) You know, the people ain't gonna like it.

R: Did they ever like anything you guys did.

BILL: You're going way too far, buddy.

R: Look at you. Who's going too far. Your people, BILL. Ever seen the way you guys are portrayed in media, BILL. The movies for instance.

BILL: Hah! Did you see Air Force One?

R: BILL, if Harrison Ford was the President, he would've horse-whipped you.

BILL: Ha! Ha! If Harrison Ford was the president, then who would I be?

R: (PAUSE) You don't wanna know. BILL, give up. We've owned so many things. The Lotus for instance.

BILL: Fail to see the connection.

R: Think hard, BILL.

BILL: God! Thats hard. Do I become a Malaysian, if I give up this country to you?

R: Of course. A honorary citizen.

BILL: Do I have a say in your political stuff, like that Anuar issue?

R: Sure. Well put you under ISA.

BILL: Whassat?

R: A presidential suite. Guaranteed to change the rest of your life.

BILL: Gee, thats tempting. Where do I sign?

R: Here___

AN EXPLOSION IS HEARD AND INSTANTLY BILL HIDES UNDERNEATH THE BED. MORE EXPLOSIONS AND RAT-TAT-TAT OF MACHINE GUNS. THERE ARE SMOKE AND DUST EVERYWHERE. THE DOOR OPENS BY FORCE AND A GROUP OF ARMY DRESSED IN LEATHER JACKET ENTERS. AND IN ENTERS THE ONE AND ONLY ARNOLD (ARNIE) SCHWARZENEGGER FOLLOWED BY SILVESTER (SLY) STALLONE. ALL OF THEM WIELD THE BIGGEST GODDAMN GUN YOU'D HAVE EVER SEEN. SOMEWHERE, SOMETHING HAD GONE WRONG.OR RIGHT.

ARNIE: BILL Clinton! This is a coop!

SLY: (NUDGING ARNIE) Its coupe, ARNIE.

ARNIE: No, no. This place looks like a chicken coop. (BILL CLINTONS COMES OUT OF THE HIDING PLACE. ARNIE ADDRESSES HIM) BILL, this country is our's now. We had enough of violence and death.

SLY: (ASIDE) Huh! Look who's talking.

ARNIE: I'm the president now. Sly here is my vice ass president.

BILL: What makes you think you can be the president?

ARNIE: My wife is a Kennedy.

BILL: Ouch (HOLDS THE AREA BELOW THE BELT)

SLY: Who's this guy?

BILL: Oh, he's from Malaysia. He was here first, negotiating to take over our country.

SLY: I don't know what's your method of negotiating, Asia boy. We negotiate with this (PUSHING THE GODDAMN BARREL WITH THE SIZE OF AN ELEPHANTS LEG INTO R's NOSE).

R: Hey, whos arguing? I liked Get Carter and Driven. Classic.

ARNIE: We won't hurt you. You can go back to your peaceful country and leave us to sort this ourself. We created the mess ourselves, we clean it ourselves.

R: One heck of a mess, ARNIE. Whatcha gonna do, now that you're the president?

ARNIE: Kill all the obese people.

R: That must be half the population. But would you mind leaving Marlon Brando alone. We like him, you know.

ARNIE: No, actors are spared.

BILL: Ah, that means politicians too.

ARNIE: No, we have something different for politicians. We make them watch Mr. Smith Goes To Washington six times a day for two weeks straight.

BILL: (IN HOME ALONE TERROR POSE) Aaaaaaaaaaargh!

R MAKES HIS WAY BACK. USA IS INDEED IN A SAFE HAND AFTER ALL.


				*Rakesh's movie talk* *The New Prez*



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		This idea occured to me during the last American election. Remember when Bush and Gore was fighting it out. Vote recounting? I was wondering what Clinton was doing about it all. What if situation got really worst? What if Malaysia comes in? This is a small scenario, which one day might turn into an interesting screenplay. The language is not for the morally conscious ones, so you may want to stay out.



		Gore or Bush? Who cares? Something occurred to me though. Since the whole of United States of America is in a mess, wouldn't it be a right time to invade them. Wasn't that the similar scenario of quest for power that led to colonialisation in our country? I dreamed up the following scene. INTERIOR. BILL CLINTONS BEDROOM. I (R) WALK IN AND FIND HIM PACKING UP. R: Hi there BILL, packing up? BILL: Nah, I'm just building a rocket. Of course, I'm packing up. R: Thought so. Hey BILL, now that your country is in a mess, how about giving it up. To us, I mean. BILL: You crazy Buddy? It's like asking a me to stop womanising. You must be joking (SLIDS A PACKET OF CONDOM INTO HIS POCKET) R: No BILL. Its not that bad. Giving up lying is worse. BILL: (WINCES) Ugh! Don't say that, man. R: All you got to do is sign this piece of paper. BILL: You know how much my signature is worth, buddy? R: When? BILL: Look buddy. I'm leaving and that ain't gonna stop me from loving my country. This country stays where it is. R: Nobodys asking you to move it, BILL. The ownership changes, that's all. BILL: It will mean the whole world belongs to you. R: Don't Brag! (PAUSE) Actually, you might be right. Malaysia might rule the world, now that we own you. But you still be the president. Collect your paycheque every month. BILL: Good joke. I'm laughin' my ass off here. (PAUSE) How much? R: As much as we pay our Prime Minister BILL: Ugh! Thats chicken shit man! Who'd pay the bills, then? R: We'd take care of that, except for the hanky panky stuffs of course. We can't cover up for some of the stuff you do, BILL. Yuck! BILL: (SHOUTS) I'M NOT BUYING IT! R: Look_ BILL WALKS TO THE WINDOW AND SHOUTS TO AN ICE CREAM VENDOR. BILL: I told you I'm not buyin' it. What? How much does he owe you? I'm not paying for it.(WALKS BACK) I'll wring Al's neck. (TO ME) Where were we? R: BILL, youre nobody now. BILL: I'm still the president, joe-boy. R: Oh yeah? Try asking your aides to play fetch. We'd love see how they react to your orders! BILL: They are important people. They don't play fetch. They take and execute orders. R: Big difference! Look BILL, all you have is your family and a goddamn cat. What's its name? Sacks? Sex? BILL: Socks! R: Whatever! Look around. Everybody wants their hand in the pie. BILL: Did I hear pie? (PATS HIS STOMACH) R: And the pie is full. You are at the losing end. There's Bush in one corner and your dumb ass Vice President in another. BILL: You're going overboard buddy. He's not an ass. R: Right. Your dumb vice-president. He doesn't care for you. What are you going to do after this? Become a preacher? BILL: I wanna teach. R: Hell of a difference. The people are torn, BILL. The country is getting ugly. As ugly as your nose. BILL: Hey, this is getting personal. R: It's a run down joke, BILL. BILL: What, my nose? R: Your so-called democracy. It's a joke among the third world. BILL: Whassat? Third World? Is it something like a third dimension? An Alternative world? R: Gad! You've been a president too long. Here's the deal. Give up the country to us and well make you a lifetime president. BILL: Lifetime (SUCKS HIS THUMB). What about my wife? She'll be running New York, right? R: There's a problem to that. She'll have to go. BILL: But she's good. She's smart. R: Thats why she goes, BILL. We wouldn't want a smart politician, don't we? Ha! Ha! BILL: Ha! Ha! Then, why do I get to stay? SILENCE R: What say you, old buddy? Who else but Malaysians as the role models for Americans. Look at our so many races. BILL: Yeah, I caught the Formula 1. R: (IMPATIENTLY) BILL, we're talking about the Malays, Chinese, Indians and others. We co-exist peacefully. BILL: (PAUSES FOR A MOMENT, THINKING) You know, the people ain't gonna like it. R: Did they ever like anything you guys did. BILL: You're going way too far, buddy. R: Look at you. Who's going too far. Your people, BILL. Ever seen the way you guys are portrayed in media, BILL. The movies for instance. BILL: Hah! Did you see Air Force One? R: BILL, if Harrison Ford was the President, he would've horse-whipped you. BILL: Ha! Ha! If Harrison Ford was the president, then who would I be? R: (PAUSE) You don't wanna know. BILL, give up. We've owned so many things. The Lotus for instance. BILL: Fail to see the connection. R: Think hard, BILL. BILL: God! Thats hard. Do I become a Malaysian, if I give up this country to you? R: Of course. A honorary citizen. BILL: Do I have a say in your political stuff, like that Anuar issue? R: Sure. Well put you under ISA. BILL: Whassat? R: A presidential suite. Guaranteed to change the rest of your life. BILL: Gee, thats tempting. Where do I sign? R: Here___ AN EXPLOSION IS HEARD AND INSTANTLY BILL HIDES UNDERNEATH THE BED. MORE EXPLOSIONS AND RAT-TAT-TAT OF MACHINE GUNS. THERE ARE SMOKE AND DUST EVERYWHERE. THE DOOR OPENS BY FORCE AND A GROUP OF ARMY DRESSED IN LEATHER JACKET ENTERS. AND IN ENTERS THE ONE AND ONLY ARNOLD (ARNIE) SCHWARZENEGGER FOLLOWED BY SILVESTER (SLY) STALLONE. ALL OF THEM WIELD THE BIGGEST GODDAMN GUN YOU'D HAVE EVER SEEN. SOMEWHERE, SOMETHING HAD GONE WRONG.OR RIGHT. ARNIE: BILL Clinton! This is a coop! SLY: (NUDGING ARNIE) Its coupe, ARNIE. ARNIE: No, no. This place looks like a chicken coop. (BILL CLINTONS COMES OUT OF THE HIDING PLACE. ARNIE ADDRESSES HIM) BILL, this country is our's now. We had enough of violence and death. SLY: (ASIDE) Huh! Look who's talking. ARNIE: I'm the president now. Sly here is my vice ass president. BILL: What makes you think you can be the president? ARNIE: My wife is a Kennedy. BILL: Ouch (HOLDS THE AREA BELOW THE BELT) SLY: Who's this guy? BILL: Oh, he's from Malaysia. He was here first, negotiating to take over our country. SLY: I don't know what's your method of negotiating, Asia boy. We negotiate with this (PUSHING THE GODDAMN BARREL WITH THE SIZE OF AN ELEPHANTS LEG INTO R's NOSE). R: Hey, whos arguing? I liked Get Carter and Driven. Classic. ARNIE: We won't hurt you. You can go back to your peaceful country and leave us to sort this ourself. We created the mess ourselves, we clean it ourselves. R: One heck of a mess, ARNIE. Whatcha gonna do, now that you're the president? ARNIE: Kill all the obese people. R: That must be half the population. But would you mind leaving Marlon Brando alone. We like him, you know. ARNIE: No, actors are spared. BILL: Ah, that means politicians too. ARNIE: No, we have something different for politicians. We make them watch Mr. Smith Goes To Washington six times a day for two weeks straight. BILL: (IN HOME ALONE TERROR POSE) Aaaaaaaaaaargh! R MAKES HIS WAY BACK. USA IS INDEED IN A SAFE HAND AFTER ALL.